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A sermon preached by the Rev. Lee Nichols, Jr. at the Fox Chapel Presbyterian Church on January 14, 2001.

Christian Marriage: Making Wine out of Water John 2:1-11

It is one of the duties of Christians to debunk myths presented to us as truth by our culture. This can get you into a lot of trouble but the truth makes us free and fact is if you accept, believe, and base your life on lies you end up in a lot more trouble in the end. One of the myths we have to fight against is the myth that marriage is normative and desirable, if not required, for everyone. That the secret to life is romance. That it is better to be married than not to be married. That you’re better off if you marry as young as possible within reason. And that it will bring you happiness and fulfillment. There’s constant pressure in every venue for people to get married. Whether it is God’s will for them or not. And this is dangerous. It leads to great heartache.

Bill Hybels is the pastor of the Willow Creek Church near Chicago. He and his wife, Lynne wrote a great book about marriage called Fit To Be Tied, It’s one of the best and most truthful books I’ve ever read about love and marriage. And it’s very honest. They met. They dated. They fell in love. Became engaged. And then things began to fall apart. Here is what Bill Hybels says about this time in his life:

After that broken engagement, I had to put my life back together, which involved refocusing my confidence in my relationship with Jesus Christ.

I remember saying to myself, “I can be happy single for the rest of my life. That’s okay. He is sufficient.” That realization was key at that time in my life. I became more serious about spiritual growth; I began to develop and use my spiritual gifts; I got involved in lay ministry. And I found life to be meaningful and joy filled.

A year and a half later, Lynne and I got back together. A year after that we were married, with the clear and mutual understanding that nothing would ever be more important to either of us than our relationship with Jesus Christ. Though focusing our attention on Him did not resolve all our differences or solve all our relational problems, it did give us a firm foundation upon which to build a marriage.

But what if the story hadn’t ended this way? What if it had been a story of lifelong singleness? I firmly believe God would have continued to be sufficient, life would have continued to be full, and I would have continued to know the joy I felt.

God’s promises of joy and peace and satisfaction are not made just to married people. He doesn’t say, “I came to give abundant life to those of you who are married.” He offers that to anyone – married or unmarried – who has a relationship with Him.

There are plenty of bad reasons for getting married. Society, peer and parental pressure are so great we frequently hurl ourselves at the first candidate who comes along. Or we get married to have children, to get out of our parent’s home, to obtain a father or mother for our kids. For money, prestige, security. Some get married to heal their broken places. Or to heal the brokenness of their partner. And believe, “if my love is only strong” enough it change him. A second myth. Most people at their wedding expect marriage to cure their loneliness. Another myth about marriage. It will not. Most people come into marriage expecting it to bring them happiness. That’s a fourth myth. Marriage will not make you happy. The Hybels wrote this together.

We have a high view of marriage. We believe our marriage was God ordained, and that over the years it has been God sustained. It has been both a tool that God has used to challenge and shape us and a gift He has given to encourage and refresh us. Every year we sense the increasing value of our growing relationship.

But we also have a realistic view. We don’t believe it is the answer for everyone. And while it has added a profoundly meaning dimension to our lives, it did not satisfy our deepest human need. It did not cure our loneliness. It did not heal our brokenness. It did not ensure our happiness. It will not do that for you either. It does not promise to.

On the third day there was a wedding in Cana of Galilee. The wine was flowing. Two were becoming one. There was dancing, singing, laughter. Promise. Hope for the future.

A jubilant rejoicing throughout the village as neighbors, friends, family celebrate the happiness of this couple and give thanks to God for their love.

Romance is wonderful. To fall in love is a powerful thing. Maybe the most wonderful and powerful and mysterious force in all the universe. We surely don’t understand it. Children seem to have a better grasp. Here’s what some kids wrote when asked, “what is love like and how do people in love behave?”

John, age 9, says,

“It’s like an avalanche. You have to run for your life.”

Wendy, age 8, says,

“When a person gets in love for the first time they fall down and they don’t get up for at least an hour.”

Shem, age 6, says,

“All of a sudden people start to go to movies a lot. I guess so they can sit together in the dark.”

How do you decide who to marry?

Mae, age 9, says,

“No one is sure how it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That’s why perfume and deodorant is so popular.”

Kirsten, age 10, and a theologian says,

“No one really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all long before. And you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.”

8 year old Greg puts it in perspective,

“Love is the most important thing in the world. But baseball is pretty good too.”

Some scholars believe romantic love is a modern and western phenomenon. You would doubt that if you’ve read the Song of Solomon though, or any of the world’s great literature for as long as the written word has existed that give testimony to human love. One of my favorites is the Roman Classical poet, Petrarch who wrote this poem. I can’t imagine anything which better describes the puppy dog state of romantic love. He says,

If it is not love then what is it that I feel?

But if it is love, before God, what kind of thing is it?

If it is good, whence comes this bitter mortal effect?

If it is evil, why is each torment so sweet?

If by my own will I burn, whence comes the weeping and lament?

If against my will, what does lamenting avail?

O living death, O delightful harm, how can you have such power over me if I do not consent to it?

And if I do consent to it, it is wrong of me to complain.

Amid such contrary winds I find myself at sea in a frail bark,

Without a tiller.

So light of wisdom,

So laden with error,

That I myself do not know what I want;

And I shiver in midsummer, burn in winter.

We don’t know a thing about this couple from Cana. We only hope that before they were wed they took a long time to test their love. To let the infatuation pass. To see what happens over the course of time. We hope they shared these characteristics that everyone should look for in a partner. Certainly a mutual attraction, a chemistry. Doesn’t mean desire can’t wax and wane. But love works best when there’s a sizzle that lasts over time. Common backgrounds, similar family upbringings. Shared histories and values and dreams. Mutual respect. It helps to find someone with strong character, a sense of responsibility, someone willing to admit their mistakes and try to change and grow instead of becoming more entrenched in old ways that don’t work so well.

Maturity is important. It’s nice to have as a soul mate someone who can cope with anger and disappointment. Someone who fights fair. And someone who knows how to forgive.

Generally a healthy personality. Not just in what they show on the outside, but what’s on the inside. It’s important to be able to play together. Someone you can laugh with as well as cry from time to time.

But even with all that, even when every thing is perfect. Still the wine will give out. Only water will be left. Sometimes that happens quickly. Perhaps even before the honeymoon.

Martha Stewart says, “The time you like your sofa best is the time between when you order it and when it arrives.” More often it happens gradually. The danger points are years 1, 3, 7, any year children are born. When they graduate. When the nest empties. We never expect the wine to give out but it always does. The honeymoon ends. The stage of illusion gives way to the stage of disillusion. Wine turns to water. Question is not – will that happen in your marriage – but what will you do when it happens.

Our ministry to marrieds in this church we call the Marriage Coterie. It’s a group of couples committed to keeping Christ at the center of their marriages. People committed to work on marriage. We meet once a month. On the 6^th of January we met for date night at the Focaccia grill. Twenty one couples. A great evening. Next meeting is March 10^th. We’ll meet here at the church for a meal and program. Our guest will be the one and only Don Wilkins who’ll talk about some of the traditional music used in weddings. Should be fun. You’re invited. The program for April will be entitled “Keeping Romance in Your Marriage.” That topic on the calendar is already generating conversation. People looking forward to thinking together about what are the factors that help couples keep the flame alive. It’s hard. The wine gives out. The grind of daily living takes a toll. What used to be fascination turns to frustration. Some of the very qualities that initially so attracted us to our partner now repel. Disappointments arise. Dreams are compromised. Perhaps just adjusted to accommodate the realities of life. Partners usually learn to live with the situation, though they may feel sad and empty at times. Commitments to the children, to the church, and to God may keep them together, but all too often with broken hearts.

Now standing there were six stone jars. Jesus said, “Fill them with water.” And they filled them up to the brim. He said, “Now draw some out, and take it to the steward.” So they took it. When he tasted the water that had become wine he called the bridegroom and said, “Everyone serves the bad wine after the guests have had too much to drink. But you have kept the good wine until now.”

Jesus did this, the first of his signs, in Cana of Galilee, and revealed his glory; and his disciples believed in him.

Here are the six stone jars you can use to keep your love alive, to store the good wine so it can always be there to flow between you and your beloved.

The first stone jar is filled with the Spirit that comes to us in Jesus Christ. To build something that will be good, that will last a lifetime, that will grow and feed you. Feed your soul rather than feeding on your soul – put Him at the center of your marriage. At the heart. Let him be your anchor. One of the problems is that so often we focus so much on each other that everything and everybody else gets lost. And sooner or later that doesn’t work any more. It begins to feel like a prison. You smother and love withers.

Marriage is not a relationship between two people. There must be something (someone) bigger than just the two of you. God created you. God created your partner. God put you together for a purpose. Your job is to honor the mystery of this gift. Every day. To honor that and to delight in the ways God is putting grace into your life through your relationship with your spouse. Marriage is a sacred journey. We need to enter into it with sanctity and reverence. We need to understand that being married is part of our faith.

To do it well is an act of faithfulness. In marriage we practice the very same disciplines of the Christian life that we practice elsewhere – loving kindness, grace, forgiveness, self sacrifice. We learn how to put another first and we experience the mysterious biblical teaching that it is in giving that we receive. Put God at the heart of your marriage.

The second stone jar contains wine that will have you make your marriage a priority in your life. It’s the most important human relationship you’ll ever have. Make sure you give it the time and attention it deserves. Patrick Morley says, If you don’t have enough time for your (marriage and your) family you can be 100% certain you are not following God’s will for your life.

Making your marriage a priority takes sacrifice. It works best when you have two people who both want to work on the relationship. Not just willing to work on it as if it were a chore like taking out the garbage or washing the dog. But committed to working on it on a daily basis, to work through the discomfort so they may grow in love. It’s sure easy to get distracted. And it’s such hard and constant work that plenty just get tired and give up. It takes going to your partner daily and saying: I want to love you and understand you and I want to know what’s in your heart. But I need your help. Tell me what is in your heart. Tell me your difficulties. Tell me whether my way of loving is making you happy or unhappy. And then listening, not talking but really listening.

The third stone jar is filled with the wine of reality. We put such a huge burden on marriage. We expect all things, immediately. It’s not only that we want, but we expect never ending romance, remarkable passion, not just union with another, but complete satisfaction. We expect marriage to calm ever ripple of unrest within our soul. We expect a tender embrace whenever we need it. Sometimes even transcendence. And we’ve come to believe these ideal states are the norms of life and reasonable expectations for anyone joined in the holy bond of matrimony.

The truth is, expectations about love are largely dictated by our culture and we are easily confused about the difference between a cultural ideal and what we can expect in reality.

People are alarmed when they find themselves loving differently than their partner. We are confused by the idealization of love in a materialistic environment. Remember there is a normal ebb and flow of feeling and passion and romance that’s not abnormal but intrinsic to life and adds to its richness. Be realistic.

The fourth stone jar holds the wine of presence. Being present to one another. Giving each other the gift of time. When you leave behind whatever else interests you or calls you – your work, the kids, laundry, television) and you give the gift of time to your spouse. Being present to another is more than just being in the same room. Bodily presence is easy. Emotional presence is much more difficult.

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A young boy was asked by his father what he wanted for his birthday, and he didn’t know how to answer. His father asked, “What is your heart’s desire? What

would you like more than anything?” It just so happens that father is quite wealthy and can afford to buy his son just about anything. But the young man

answered, “Daddy, I want you!”

You see, his father is too busy. He has no time for his wife or children. He can give them anything in the world, but he so far has been incapable of giving them the most perfect and precious and generous gift of all – the gift of himself.

If that father learns how to love – and his son may teach him – he will be present for him and he will be able to say, “My son, I am really here with you and for you.”

The gift of making yourself emotionally available on a regular and continuing basis to the one you love most.

The fifth stone jar contains the wine of communication. Communion wine. It’s important to have a partner you can talk to. And someone who will listen to you. Really listen. What grace it is to be able to share your thoughts and feelings with another. To be real. Which is to be open and honest about your thoughts and feelings and to share those regularly with your partner in a ways that are helpful. To be open and honest. Without fear. But this is a heady wine. To speak deeply, from the heart, involves great risk. This is one thing I am just beginning to understand – how difficult, rare, and important. One author explained it this way:

Because we have learned to be cautious about sharing our feelings, we continue to express ourselves through a protective veil. “What a lousy day at work,” the husband says, avoiding a discussion of his internal feelings of inadequacy. “Let’s go out to dinner,” replies his wife, insinuating a need for affection.

In a way, indirect communication is safe, a roundabout approach to test the waters of intimacy or gauge the degrees of closeness our partners will allow. But because the messages are disguised, our intentions may be misconstrued.

By contrast, intimate communication is direct and personal. It takes courage and trust to expose our more vulnerable feelings, to show our weaknesses and fears and deeper needs. Can we depend upon our partner to support us, to try to understand and not to judge? And when our lovers open their hearts to us, can we tolerate what they have to say? In intimate dialogue, we need to listen carefully, reflecting as much upon ourselves as upon the other, finding ways to let our partner know that they have been correctly understood. To respond to someone else’s intimacy in the way he or she needs to be responded to takes practice, dialogue, and patience.

Real talking and listening take courage. The courage to stay vulnerable, to pay attention to what’s going on in your heart, to stay open to our partner, even when we are temporarily in conflict, even when we are frustrated, hurt, or angry. It requires courage to stay connected rather than shutting down emotionally. When a couple lacks this courage, seeking safety from pain in the refuge of withdrawal, as so commonly happens, they will inevitably drift apart. It is not love that fails them but they who fail love.

The sixth stone jar contains the wine of humility. The strong wine of humility which does away with pride. You know, love is not about finding the right person as much as it is about being the right kind of person. And that’s what’s so hard. Mostly it’s about changing yourself. And that takes humility. Not the kind of pride that blames the other or says, I don’t care what you think. I don’t care what you feel. I’m going to do it my way. And that’s it. Dean Ornish, in his book, Love and Survival, talks about the time he went to see a counselor about a broken relationship. He says,

I remember a conversation I had twenty-five years ago with a counselor, when I was in college, about a woman I was in love with.

She’s driving me crazy!

Good! (said the counselor)

What do you mean “good.” It’s not good, it’s horrible!

Why is it horrible?

She’s doing this, she’s not doing that . . . how can I get her to do that and not do this? If only she would change, then I’d be happy and everything would be

wonderful.

Look. It’s not her. It’s you. As long as you think the problem is with her, then you’re setting yourself up for more suffering.

He went on to explain that it would be empowering if I could understand that the problem was with me, because then I could do something about it. Ornish says, at the time I couldn’t grasp what he was telling me, but I finally am beginning to comprehend.

A Godly humility is a wonderful thing.

Well, we are at the end. I hope for those who are married, this sermon will be a means of grace to enrich and perhaps to repair. I wish I had the power to pour out for you a wine that would insure all good things in your marriage. I cannot do that. Only you can. By God’s grace. When marriage works, it is a miracle. Not unlike water turned into wine.